These Japanese Product Names Are So Bad They’re Good

After reading articles about stuff like Poo Curry and hand job karaoke contests (NSFW) in Japan, it’s easy to conclude that the country is, quite frankly, insane.

I mean, over here, students dodge chalk bullets from Tommy Lee Jones and adults eat shaved ice with yellow syrup pumped fresh from the crotch of a life-sized cutout of an underaged anime character every day.
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Haha I’m just joshing of course. They only do it sometimes. Thankfully, the reality is that most of Japan is no more insane than a country that currently has a guinea pig on a human head running for President. They sleep in normal beds, eat normal food and drop normal silent fart bombs in rush hour trains, to everyone’s normal annoyance.

But when it comes to product names… uh, that’s where things start to fall apart.


1. VAG

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At first glance, it looks just like any other capsule toy machine you’ll find in Tokyo, except that this has the giant word VAG plastered on it. If Adam Sandler ever made a super hero movie (God, no) this would be the acronym for the evil organisation, until it’s vetoed by Sandler for being too subtle.

Sadly, there weren’t any WANG machines nearby to go with this.


2. Creap

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This classic has been making the rounds on the Internet for ages, mocked and laughed at by millions. But yet, here it is, still standing proud in the beverage isle of supermarkets all over Japan, sticking its middle finger at every brand marketing executive in the world.

The name evokes a very strange feeling, it’s like getting punched in the eyes while having your sides tickled at the same time. Anyway, Creap coffee should be the only drink served at the Poop Curry restaurant.


3. Puwater

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Poo-water? In a perfect world, their slogan would be, “Water, fresh from the ass of Mount Fuji.” But alas, we live in an imperfect world, and every night I cry into my pillow at the injustice of it all.


4. D’asses

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“Ok boys, the bad news – the focus group concluded that the new cookie tastes like crap, and we don’t have enough time to tweak the formula.

The good news – our corporate philosophy is that if life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. We’ve clearly been handed our asses here, so we’re making ass cookies. Marketing wanted something that sounds a little more sophisticated, so we’re going with D’asses.”

Are you noticing a theme here? What’s with Japan and butts and bodily functions?


5. Pet Sweat

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If you thought Pocari Sweat sounded gross, you’ll love Pet Sweat, a sports drink for your precious Poochykins that was probably squeezed out of cute fluffy animals at a sweat shop (sorry). Reeefreshing!

So while Japan isn’t THAT crazy, you’ll sometimes come across things like this that remind you that yes, you’re in Japan, and you’re loving it.